Guys Are Unserious

So, now that I’m warmed up, I’m ready to try a date with a new guy we’ll call Jackhammer.

Jackhammer’s date started on the wrong foot when my Uber showed up a few minutes early and I didn’t have time to eat at my neighbor’s who was having wine and apps. I was going into the date with a belly full of wine and no food. My neighbor couldn’t let me out of her door like that, so she handed me bun and packed me some snacks (yes!).

I showed up at the bar and we met outside. He was as cute as his pictures and seemed friendly. We sat at a table at the bar and got some drinks. He was very funny about who was paying for what. I’m really relaxed about this part. You want to pay, great. We split it down the middle, great. I pay for exactly the things I ordered and same for you, great. I really don’t care, but I do get a bit of an ick when men are weird about it.

Despite the weird paying for things issue, we were having really good conversation. The drinks were flowing and I was thirsty in more ways than one. While we were sitting at the bar, he said he really wanted to kiss me. I said go ahead because things were going well.

Welp, the man was a good kisser and then, shortly after our borderline inappropriate in public kiss he went to the bathroom and the bartender asked if it was our first date. I said it was and she said we looked really cute. Me, being more than a tad tipsy, and not trusting my judgement did the responsible thing and asked the bartender if I should go home with him. Her response? Absolutely!

So, off I went and little did I know I was minutes away from giving this man his nickname. He lived in a very small studio apartment and it was cramped between the two of us and his cute little dog. But, okay, let’s do this. I amped myself up and…. we were done in about 2 minutes. It was fast in every way imaginable. As I laid there in disbelief that it was over so fast, Jackhammer, as he was now known as, asked me if I had an orgasm. “When??” I thought in my head, but instead politely said, not this time.

We laid for another few minutes and then I decided I needed to get out of there. He really wanted me to stay, but I said I had to take care of my dogs. It wasn’t a lie. He tried to convince me to come back after I let them out, but no, that was not happening.

I mulled over him for a bit, but I had entered my nothing but the best phase and I was not settling for a Jackhammer. Slowly, I became less responsive until he finally got the hint. Always a relief.

I made it through another date and it was on to the next. The next man was much better than Jackhammer in some ways and so much worse in others. But, he was a good boy, and that’s why he became the Golden Retriever.